Self-pity and Envy

I get really depressed when, on Facebook, I see people's posts and photos where they go out on a bunch of outings with their friends, and they're all having fun and their strong friendship. I envy them. So much. I hate the feeling, but I also hate myself for feeling this way. I could easily do something about it by actually GETTING FRIENDS. But no. I am really bad with relationships, and people in general. Fuck, I can't even talk to my parents. They don't know a thing about me, nor I them. One day, I'll grow the balls to ask them how they met, why they married, and why they hate each other so much.

I hate birthdays. Mine included. At school, I hear people everyday singing the birthday song to their friend, with a cake and presents and hugging and I just feel so shit, because I haven't celebrated my birthday with good friends since I was 10.

At the moment, I have, like, 1 close friend.

I wish I was exaggerating right now.

I need to join some clubs or something.

'Ther' is my one close friend of the moment. She and I text daily, its great, but I also get incredibly depressed by the fact that I only correspond with one person regularly. I also text 'Knee' regularly, and regularly Facebook chat with 'Tin' and 'Heen', but we don't really have the relationship where I can tell them absolutely everything. And I want that. I miss 'R'. Well, our friendship. The relationship, not so much. I was actually taken seriously, not treated like a person you're only friends with because they're funny.

I have 5 friends in school. Well, 5 people that I sit with at lunch. 'Key' and 'Son' just talk to each other about hot anime guys and shitty iphone games, 'Gel' and 'Wheeze' are just engrossed in their own conversation, or Candy Crush, and 'Mii' is either somewhere else, or ranting about religion. 'Heen' used to sit with us. Until she left to join a cooler group. Because we're the misfits. We don't fit anywhere.

I wish I were cooler, prettier, skinner, smarter, taller, stronger, wiser. Then maybe people would like me, and accept me.

Ha. In another universe, maybe.

Self-pity. Am I not the textbook definition of it?