I get really depressed when, on Facebook, I see people's posts and photos where they go out on a bunch of outings with their friends, and they're all having fun and their strong friendship. I envy them. So much. I hate the feeling, but I also hate myself for feeling this way. I could easily do something about it by actually GETTING FRIENDS. But no. I am really bad with relationships, and people in general. Fuck, I can't even talk to my parents. They don't know a thing about me, nor I them. One day, I'll grow the balls to ask them how they met, why they married, and why they hate each other so much.
I hate birthdays. Mine included. At school, I hear people everyday singing the birthday song to their friend, with a cake and presents and hugging and I just feel so shit, because I haven't celebrated my birthday with good friends since I was 10.
At the moment, I have, like, 1 close friend.
I wish I was exaggerating right now.
I need to join some clubs or something.
'Ther' is my one close friend of the moment. She and I text daily, its great, but I also get incredibly depressed by the fact that I only correspond with one person regularly. I also text 'Knee' regularly, and regularly Facebook chat with 'Tin' and 'Heen', but we don't really have the relationship where I can tell them absolutely everything. And I want that. I miss 'R'. Well, our friendship. The relationship, not so much. I was actually taken seriously, not treated like a person you're only friends with because they're funny.
I have 5 friends in school. Well, 5 people that I sit with at lunch. 'Key' and 'Son' just talk to each other about hot anime guys and shitty iphone games, 'Gel' and 'Wheeze' are just engrossed in their own conversation, or Candy Crush, and 'Mii' is either somewhere else, or ranting about religion. 'Heen' used to sit with us. Until she left to join a cooler group. Because we're the misfits. We don't fit anywhere.
I wish I were cooler, prettier, skinner, smarter, taller, stronger, wiser. Then maybe people would like me, and accept me.
Ha. In another universe, maybe.
Self-pity. Am I not the textbook definition of it?
Sunday 30 June 2013
Saturday 29 June 2013
29/06/2013
Thoughts:
Lunch: a bowl of takeaway noodles, 1/4 serving meat - lamb, a cup of milk green tea - 2 sugars, 1 leaf of lettuce
Dinner: 4 slices Domino's Margarita pizza, 1 slice Domino's Bangers & Beef pizza
Snacks: 2 large bananas, 1 large apple
Water: 500mL milk green tea - 2 sugars
Exercise: 5 minutes upper back and upper arms - low intensity
- I want to be the girl who, after high school, people will be like: damn, why didn't we notice her before?
- People should stop feeding me lies. I'm not going to grow any fucking taller. 'You'll grow, dw'. Fuck you. I'm not going anywhere.
- Watched '200 Pounds Beauty' today. This film really shows people's views on plastic surgery, and how beautiful people are, even if unconsciously, more highly acknowledged than average people.
Lunch: a bowl of takeaway noodles, 1/4 serving meat - lamb, a cup of milk green tea - 2 sugars, 1 leaf of lettuce
Dinner: 4 slices Domino's Margarita pizza, 1 slice Domino's Bangers & Beef pizza
Snacks: 2 large bananas, 1 large apple
Water: 500mL milk green tea - 2 sugars
Exercise: 5 minutes upper back and upper arms - low intensity
Plastic Surgery
I would totally get plastic surgery. A year ago, I would never have even thought to do it, I would even wrinkle my face in disgust at the mere thought of it, because its classified as 'taboo' in the Western society in which I live. A friend, 'Ther', told me that South Koreans undergo plastic surgery in their teens to late teens, as a sort of 'coming of age' ritual. The most common surgery in South Korea is double eyelid surgery, because it 'opens up your eyes' and 'makes you appear more youthful'. I do admit that, after the surgery, most women appear prettier than beforehand. The femininity that comes with larger eyes is what is so appealing about this surgery. Most Westerners that comment on this surgery have stated that they do it because Asian women want to look more 'white'. Same with when they comment on nose jobs in Asian women.
Fucking ignorant.
Sure, some Asian women may want to look more 'white', such as Vanilla Chamu, a Japanese model who was spent over $100 000 on cosmetic procedures to achieve her lifelong dream of being a French doll. To each their own, I say. But most Asian women DO NOT get plastic surgery to look more European! I get genuinely angry whenever I hear this. Asian culture is much much different to European culture, they have their own values and opinions of what is considered beautiful. Although some of these values are no much different to Western values, such as a slim jawline, long eyelashes, and a straight, small nose, we also have many differences. For example, Asian women do not want to be tanned, unlike Western women. Pale, soft skin is valued highly because of the youthful appearance it gives, and the implication of wealth (not having to work outside, or do manual labour), NOT because they want to look more 'white'. Women who like to tan don't get accused of trying to appear 'black' (excuse my political incorrectness) when they tan, so why should Asian women?
South Korea has a television show especially for plastic surgery makeovers, making the subject look drastically different. They choose to operate on people whose lives have been negatively affected by their appearance, and can make drastic changes to their appearance and lives. A news report I found on YouTube (link to video) talks about this from a Western perspective. The reporter said that contenders for this show has increased 12-fold over the past 2 years. This perfectly encapsulates the increasing popularity of plastic surgery, especially in South Korean culture.
I suppose that it does help the 'customer' feel much better about themselves, and improves their lives and how people see them, so yay for them. Its controversial in Western society, however, because they frown upon the unnatural alteration of appearance. The International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons reported that 1 in every 5 South Koreans will have some sort of cosmetic procedure done, including adolescents.
I watched this great movie that 'Ther' reccomended to me, called 'Helter Skelter' (link to movie description). Its about a Japanese model who had undergone numerous black market cosmetic surgeries to be beautiful, and it shows her life falling apart because she was so self-absorbed in her own image. It was really touching, and, i admit, I cried a lot haha. It was originally a manga as well. It shows really well how corrupt the modelling industry can be, as illutrated by dialogue in the gifs below.
I would totally get plastic surgery. There are a multitude of surgeries that anyone can have nowadays, I saw on YouTube a recording of a news program about a girl who got rhinoplasty because she was being bullied for her large nose. I think that the declining self-image of younger people these days is mostly attributed to the opinions of others. Even myself, I strongly believe that I would not have such terrible self-esteem issues if not for people telling me that I was this and that and that it was wrong to be that way. They have no right to judge people based on their appearance, when they have such a large personality flaw themselves. Although I do strongly agree that appearances make a major impact on one's impression of another, I don't think that it would be optimal to judge them solely on that aspect.
If I were to seriously consider getting plastic surgery, I would get rhinoplasty, double eyelid surgery on my right eyelid, lip augmentation to correct my Cupid's bow, and jaw reduction. If I was REALLY desperate to change my entire appearance to something I would really like, I would also do leg lengthening, the one where you take the bottom floating rib out to make your waistline slimmer, and breast implants.
Just as I was researching cosmetic procedures that are rising in popularity, I came across and article outlining the health risks of performing jaw reduction surgery. It comes with the risk of permanent facial numbness, or even paralysis. I haven't always been so self conscious of my jawline, it's only been in recent years that I've really started hating myself for it. It wasn't until people, whether it was at school, or my mum's Asian friends, started commenting on my appearance, that I really started to become so self-absorbed by my own appearance. It's definitely unhealthy. I have cried myself to sleep on numerous occasions because someone, usually someone who has no impact on my life whatsoever, comments on a little part of my appearance, such as 'haha can you even reach that shelf?' or 'wow, you really look like a baby compared to that girl over there'. Its so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm so easily manipulated to be so strongly affected by little things like this.
Ugly.
Disgusting.
Fucking ignorant.
Sure, some Asian women may want to look more 'white', such as Vanilla Chamu, a Japanese model who was spent over $100 000 on cosmetic procedures to achieve her lifelong dream of being a French doll. To each their own, I say. But most Asian women DO NOT get plastic surgery to look more European! I get genuinely angry whenever I hear this. Asian culture is much much different to European culture, they have their own values and opinions of what is considered beautiful. Although some of these values are no much different to Western values, such as a slim jawline, long eyelashes, and a straight, small nose, we also have many differences. For example, Asian women do not want to be tanned, unlike Western women. Pale, soft skin is valued highly because of the youthful appearance it gives, and the implication of wealth (not having to work outside, or do manual labour), NOT because they want to look more 'white'. Women who like to tan don't get accused of trying to appear 'black' (excuse my political incorrectness) when they tan, so why should Asian women?
 |
| Vanilla Chamu - Japanese model |
I suppose that it does help the 'customer' feel much better about themselves, and improves their lives and how people see them, so yay for them. Its controversial in Western society, however, because they frown upon the unnatural alteration of appearance. The International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons reported that 1 in every 5 South Koreans will have some sort of cosmetic procedure done, including adolescents.
I watched this great movie that 'Ther' reccomended to me, called 'Helter Skelter' (link to movie description). Its about a Japanese model who had undergone numerous black market cosmetic surgeries to be beautiful, and it shows her life falling apart because she was so self-absorbed in her own image. It was really touching, and, i admit, I cried a lot haha. It was originally a manga as well. It shows really well how corrupt the modelling industry can be, as illutrated by dialogue in the gifs below.
 |
I would totally get plastic surgery. There are a multitude of surgeries that anyone can have nowadays, I saw on YouTube a recording of a news program about a girl who got rhinoplasty because she was being bullied for her large nose. I think that the declining self-image of younger people these days is mostly attributed to the opinions of others. Even myself, I strongly believe that I would not have such terrible self-esteem issues if not for people telling me that I was this and that and that it was wrong to be that way. They have no right to judge people based on their appearance, when they have such a large personality flaw themselves. Although I do strongly agree that appearances make a major impact on one's impression of another, I don't think that it would be optimal to judge them solely on that aspect.
If I were to seriously consider getting plastic surgery, I would get rhinoplasty, double eyelid surgery on my right eyelid, lip augmentation to correct my Cupid's bow, and jaw reduction. If I was REALLY desperate to change my entire appearance to something I would really like, I would also do leg lengthening, the one where you take the bottom floating rib out to make your waistline slimmer, and breast implants.
Just as I was researching cosmetic procedures that are rising in popularity, I came across and article outlining the health risks of performing jaw reduction surgery. It comes with the risk of permanent facial numbness, or even paralysis. I haven't always been so self conscious of my jawline, it's only been in recent years that I've really started hating myself for it. It wasn't until people, whether it was at school, or my mum's Asian friends, started commenting on my appearance, that I really started to become so self-absorbed by my own appearance. It's definitely unhealthy. I have cried myself to sleep on numerous occasions because someone, usually someone who has no impact on my life whatsoever, comments on a little part of my appearance, such as 'haha can you even reach that shelf?' or 'wow, you really look like a baby compared to that girl over there'. Its so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm so easily manipulated to be so strongly affected by little things like this.
Ugly.
Disgusting.
Friday 28 June 2013
28/06/2013
Thoughts:
Breakfast: low fat yoghurt, peanut butter with bread
Lunch: wrap (69 calorie wrap bread, salad leaves, half a carrot, 1 scrambled egg), 1 large banana, 1 large pink lady apple
Dinner: 1 bowl friend noodles - takeaway, lamb steak - 1 serving, half cup broccoli, 1 steamed egg
- As introverted as I am, I get depressed when people don't talk to me, whether it's through verbal communication, or social networking.
- My right eyelid is double today yay.
Breakfast: low fat yoghurt, peanut butter with bread
Lunch: wrap (69 calorie wrap bread, salad leaves, half a carrot, 1 scrambled egg), 1 large banana, 1 large pink lady apple
Dinner: 1 bowl friend noodles - takeaway, lamb steak - 1 serving, half cup broccoli, 1 steamed egg
Snacks: 1 large banana with peanut butter, 1 heaped tablespoon cottage cheese, 2 yakults
Water: none
Exercise: star jumps on trampoline 20 minutes, upper arm strength training 7 minutes
Being Short
I really hate myself. Like, a lot. People probably think I'm trying to be modest when I say this, but I'm actually not. I absolutely despise myself. Some days more than others. Yesterday, I hated my round face, my square jawline, my bad skin, my upturned, round-nostril'd nose, my uneven eyelids, my permanently bedraggled eyebrows, my periodically greasy hair, my exaggeratedly concave-up cupids' bow. Today, I hate my wide ribcage, my booblessness, my thick muscular legs, my fat legs, the plethora of fat on my belly, my inability to stick to a routine diet, my back fat, my height, my height, my size, my height, my height, my height etc. etc.
This girl in my grade, 'Tea', is always being incredibly condescending towards my size and 'cute' appearance. She calls me and 'Knee' the 'little buddies'. Which is ok. What is not okay is the negative way she in which she says it. Being short is generally though of as being a bad thing and I understand why, biologically, people of short stature and immature appearance may be regarded with inferiority, because from an evolutionary standpoint, characteristics such as strength, height, agility etc. are more attractiv when searching for companions. Strength and height are both highly regarded virtues, even in modern society, in both males and females.
But I don't think it is okay, in our current society, to look down on (pun intended) the vertically challenged, because what reason is there to discriminate against others judging from their physical appearance? The negative connotations that immediately come after the word 'short' as an adjective is, in my opinion, insulting. Although, I admit, I do hold a significant amount of bias towards vertically challenged people such as myself, and in arguments - e.g. in reality television shows and real life situations - I tend to lean towards their side. We are passed off as 'defective merchandise', a flaw in the evolution of human beings. When dealing with these issues, I think its better to take into consideration that short people HAVE FEELINGS. And actually GET OFFENDED. I think that, as part of my emotional journey, I have become more sensitive to problems such as this, due to my experience in this area. The horrible feeling you get when people patronise you for your appearance, the sense of incredible worthlessness and undesirability.
Ok but seriously, 'Tea' is literally the same height as me. I think she's in denial. 157cm my ass, face it, you're 152cm like me.
Fucking hate myself. I need to grow a pair and stand up for myself. MAN THE FUCK UP.
I'm disgusting.
This girl in my grade, 'Tea', is always being incredibly condescending towards my size and 'cute' appearance. She calls me and 'Knee' the 'little buddies'. Which is ok. What is not okay is the negative way she in which she says it. Being short is generally though of as being a bad thing and I understand why, biologically, people of short stature and immature appearance may be regarded with inferiority, because from an evolutionary standpoint, characteristics such as strength, height, agility etc. are more attractiv when searching for companions. Strength and height are both highly regarded virtues, even in modern society, in both males and females.
But I don't think it is okay, in our current society, to look down on (pun intended) the vertically challenged, because what reason is there to discriminate against others judging from their physical appearance? The negative connotations that immediately come after the word 'short' as an adjective is, in my opinion, insulting. Although, I admit, I do hold a significant amount of bias towards vertically challenged people such as myself, and in arguments - e.g. in reality television shows and real life situations - I tend to lean towards their side. We are passed off as 'defective merchandise', a flaw in the evolution of human beings. When dealing with these issues, I think its better to take into consideration that short people HAVE FEELINGS. And actually GET OFFENDED. I think that, as part of my emotional journey, I have become more sensitive to problems such as this, due to my experience in this area. The horrible feeling you get when people patronise you for your appearance, the sense of incredible worthlessness and undesirability.
Ok but seriously, 'Tea' is literally the same height as me. I think she's in denial. 157cm my ass, face it, you're 152cm like me.
Fucking hate myself. I need to grow a pair and stand up for myself. MAN THE FUCK UP.
I'm disgusting.
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